# MHApps BPD – Audio Interview Sufferer Personal Experience BPD EUPD – Testimorial Describing Recovery

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- Personal Experience of BPD
- Q1. Can you tell us a little about your experience of borderline personality disorder? What were the main problems you remember? For as long as i can remember i have always been different. Since a small child i have been self harming. My early memory is having my hands bandaged at night to stop me "picking" . I would constantly Tear my skin. I also could not cope with life and little things caused tantrums and even me attacking my siblings. As i got older i was angry and envy was huge for me. All that was wrong was because I wanted what others had. In recent years i was drinking and also using dangerous behavior mainly sexual. My relationships were totally destroyed including my marriage and family. I could not function and wanted attention and got it in all the wrong ways. I rarely dealt in facts. If someone would not or could not do something for me it was always personal, I felt that no one EVER had time for me or didn’t like me or care for me. I always jumped to negative feeling and always thought judgments were about me, who I was and what I had done. I was parenting with my emotions coming thick and fast and taking forever to cool and when they did cool another one was one the way. When I found I had BPD my brother told me that I now knew what they had always know but didn’t have a name for it. I had for many years not known who I was I , I knew deep down that I was a good person with values but could not control the awful things my emotions and beliefs caused to me and my family.
- Q2. I think it is very fair to say that you are well on the road to recovery from borderline personality disorder. What were the most important or helpful parts of your treatment? For me the basic fact that I now have a correct diagnosis and knew that the treatment has been proven to work was a huge first start. Once I started treatment I did feel that there was hope even though I knew how much effort I would have to put in. The skills I have learnt have totally changed my life, learning distress Tolerance skills as my first module was a life saver as it made me calm my emotions and be able to learn the other skills. I use these skills often and have worked out which ones suit me best. I found mindfulness hard to learn and at first was not sure how much it could help but now its every minute of every day almost. I stick to basic skills still like counting breathes and emotional regulation skills. One of the most important part of my treatment is my dairy. Its vital to fill it in daily sometimes hourly and often write down hour to hour so I see what it is happening with me. I am quite aware of myself but these skills have taught me how to use these this awareness to benefit my life and my relationships. In the beginning the words ‘life worth living ‘were impossible but the service providers I worked made me believe that it could and did happen. One to one sessions are hugely important as it’s where I work out how situations developed and how to stop the ones that caused me problems.
- Q3. What do you know now that you wish someone had been able to tell you years ago? I wish I had known that this was not just me being a bad person but It had a reason and a name. Also learning how emotions work for us compared to others was a wow moment. The fact that my emotions raise quicker, more often and last longer made me realize why I am different. I know that sounds basic but once you understand that you can understand why others see you as different and you can see that change can happen. From there I was so willing to learn. Also wish I had known more about interpersonal skills and how to deal with my family members.
- Q4. What would you say to anyone who has been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or who thinks they might meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder? That at the beginning even the name borderline personally is very scary but help is there and it does work. Its going to take hard work and at times you wonder if there is ever an end but yes I can tell you it can change and save your life. Also you can mend relationships if you put the work in and want it to happen. You will find out who you are and the negative stuff you have believed about yourself for so long will with time be replaced with the real facts. A life worth living is possible and I am living it now. Its not totally as I would like but I can accept that is the way it has to be for now and if I keep working it can change. The constant up and down of emotions drain everything you have but it will ease and the values and things you enjoyed in the past will return but it takes practice practice practice. You are not a bad person you have a disorder and it can be cured. Finding your sense of humor again will get you through.
- Q5. Is there anything you would like to say to friends, family members, or loved ones of someone with borderline personality disorder listening to this interview? This is a hard one to answer as in my case many years of bpd have worn down my family and I know they love me but I have been impossible to love and would not let them. Also many years of addiction have caused them to mistrust me . But this is a disorder and I know saying that we can’t help what we do sounds like an excuse but with bpd we don’t deal with facts , we think everyone is against us and we don’t trust or believe in ourselves. Our emotions are so sensitive and in turmoil all the time we don’t know who we are and all the values are lost but we are suffering and fear and anxiety causes us to be unable to build relationships. But this can be helped with Dbt, treatment does work but it takes very long and takes really hard work from the person with bpd but also the family and as importantly the friends. They need your support and need you to acknowledge the work and be willing to learn about this disorder. In my own cause I have started to rebuild my family and its so worth it.

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